one thing we're doing right

We've been Anna's parents for 17 months now. We've had plenty of time to make mistakes, to forget all the resolutions we secretly made about the kind of parents we would be.

We were NOT going to be those parents who let their kid blatantly and repeatedly misbehave, and we were certainly NOT going to be those self-defeating parents who laugh at their kids' bad behaviour. We were going to be consistent and strict and most of all we were not going to be pushed around by some baby.

And then she started to cry - a lot. And now her infant cries have turned into toddler tantrums. She throws a fit at the drop of a hat. To make matters worse she's so dang cute. If she's not threatening us with tears, she's grinning at us with her big buck teeth and crinkly nose, smothering us with kisses or fluttering her long lashes. We are putty in her hands, and at 17 months she knows it well.  So she watches more TV than we like, her pacis make it out of the crib far too often, and she wins the mealtime battle consistently.  We let her do things in the name of 'exploring' and 'learning' that would better be called 'mischievous' or 'ill-advised'. We do not always remember that we will one day reap what we sow.

So yes, we have failed her, we have failed ourselves. We have ignored our unspoken rules of parenting time and time again.We've done what we thought we would never do and haven't been as consistent as we had planned.

But - giving myself some grace - there are some things that we have done absolutely right. She's bursting with life and smiles and kisses, friendly to a fault and scarily charming. She is smart and she is inquisitive. She is funny. She is loving and curious and very much her own person. She is adventurous, knows no fear and is silly, silly, silly. She observes the world around her and then assuredly asserts herself in it. She commands attention and works a crowd. She is bold, she is unabashed, she is precocious. She is - ahem - determined. She is affectionate. She is secure. She is happy. We may not be able to take credit for these characteristics, but we can take credit for nurturing them.

Most importantly, I dare say that we have succeeded in our number one goal, one so important that we put it into words.

She is well-loved and she knows it.

More than anything in this whole wide world I want Anna to know that she is loved.

Some worry about spoiling their kids with love. I may worry about spoiling her with possessions or permissiveness, but not with love. It's not possible.

So I kiss her 80 million times a day. I play with her. I sing silly songs to her. I commend her when she's been good and gently reprimand her when she is not. I hold her close and whisper in her ear that she is loved, that she is strong, that her creator doesn't make mistakes, that she makes me proud. I tell her how excited I am to spend the day with her, how blessed I am to be her mama. I beam at her and clap with her and give her more and more kisses.

Sometimes late at night as we're falling asleep Adam and I will ask each other, "do you think she knows how much we love her?" We cannot say for sure. But it's pretty clear that the answer is yes.

You cannot love somebody this much and not have them know it. There is no hiding it.

We love her and she knows she is loved.

That is something that we are doing right.

The decades old debate

I expected that having a baby would change any feelings I had about staying at home versus going back to work. What I didn't expect was that it would leave me even more conflicted.

Now I understand with my heart as well as my head why some parents don't want to return to work. I completely understand not wanting to leave your children if you have a choice. I understand enjoying being with your baby so much that you don't want to miss one single second. I believe that many feel more fulfilled in caring for their children than they ever did at their day job. I agree that caring for your children is as trying, demanding and draining (if not more so) than a typical job. I am painfully aware that child care costs can be hard to justify. As expected, I have an even deeper understanding, empathy and desire to support those who stay at home. I get it. I do.

But...

I also see that working outside the home can bring a much needed balance to one's life. I get that adult interaction can be sorely missed. I understand wanting to feel like your own person, apart from your child, for a few hours a day. I understand wanting to perform and excel and be challenged professionally. I can imagine that many must miss their jobs, their coworkers, their office. I understand craving a regular schedule - `to get up each morning, shower and get dressed. I know full well how weekends aren't really weekends unless they are different than work days. I understand, empathize and fully relate to those who choose to go back to work. I will always have their back. I get it. I do.

So I was right. Having a kid of my own did change how I feel about the whole thing. Except I still don't have any answers.

If I had a job to go back to, I know what I would do. What would be best for me. But I don't. And I stay at home. For now. And perhaps for longer. Until the perfect job lands at my feet. And I love it and hate it. I'm busy and bored and challenged and fulfilled and lonely and content and unhappy all at once. I cherish every moment I have been given with her and yet I desperately long for some space. I want to get a job and yet I don't ever want to give this up.

It doesn't make much sense.

And there is no right answer.

At least not for me.

The tornadoes and the flood

A year ago we got news that mom was in the hospital and that they were running tests. They didn't know what they were looking for.

A year ago we got news that they found cancer on her liver. Metastatic.

A year ago we were hit with a tornado.

Suddenly, completely and without warning. The pain was violent.

We reeled. We reached out to each other. We hung on for dear life. We reeled some more.

Then there was a lull in the storm and we started to hope. It looked like it probably wasn't cancer after all. We waited for results. Tentatively, we hoped.

A second tornado hit. Absolute in its devastation.

We were wrong. It was cancer.

The pain was violent.

We held each other up. Taking turns being strong and being scared. We cried together and hoped together. We read and researched and clung to every encouraging word we could find. We waded through the uncertainty and sought desperately for answers and found very few. My sisters gave birth to their babies, I took care of mine, and together we rejoiced in what we could.

We mustered up all the strength we had. We have a lot.

Two tornadoes.

Now a flood.

The waters are slowly rising and we can see them approaching. It's terrifying. But we have been given time. Time to save what's most important. Time to evaluate. Time to act.

Time to fight.

So we're building up walls. Calling in reinforcements. The best doctors, the most cutting edge treatments. Blessing upon blessing.

Progress, research, hope.

And prayers. We're building a fortress on the prayers of the hundreds - no thousands - who are lifting mom up in prayer.

The rising waters are a formidable foe indeed, but we've been given time and we're fighting the fight. A fight we're going to win.

The news hit us like a tornado.

Now we're dealing with a flood.

I resolve

I don't make new year's resolutions.

But this year I'm going to be intentional about some things. I resolve to make room for some more of what I love - what brings me joy, pleasure, contentment, peace - and fight against the insidious habits that take up too much room in my life. I need this.

So may 2012 bring:

more reading - I haven't read ONE SINGLE book in 2011 - I used to average about one a week.
more writing - I don't want to admit how much I love writing. But I do.
more exercise- kickboxing, stroller strides, boot camp - etc., I miss exercising. I haven't done more than take the occasional walk since we moved from Boise. This is a gaping hole in my life.
reinvestment in some lapsed friendships - I embrace the constant evolution of relationships and don't fight against change. However, there are some old friends that I simply miss, and would love to reconnect with.
less McDonalds - this is not a joke.
baby free time - Time that is just me. The adult me.
something new - take a class? start a book club? learn how to sew?
more DIY - I realize I have sold myself short. I've have some good success. I'm going to keep trying my ideas out.
on that note, less selling myself short.
less worrying.
more hoping.
more enjoying.
more grace.
more peace.

Here's to a new year. I resolve to not let it pass me by unheeded.

Merry Christmas card

The Lord has come,

Let Earth receive her King!

Merry Christmas from the Johnsons! Adam is finishing his last year of Internal Medicine residency at the U of W after an eventful year spent in Boise, Idaho. Anna Grace joined us last November and is the cutest, funniest, smartest, most-loved baby we have ever had! Adam starts as Chief Resident at the Seattle Veteran's Hospital in June, and so we look forward to at least another year and a half in beautiful Seattle. It feels more like home each day.

We are grateful for you, our family and friends. Thank you for your love, support and prayers throughout this last year. It has meant so much to us. Please keep them coming!

Praying that peace, goodwill with all abide this Holy Christmas tide,

The Johnsons

Dala horses and other party details

I was brainstorming about Anna's party with my friend Katie when we realized there was a slight problem with my vision. I was imagining pretty pastels, streamers, pinwheels, lemonade, Anna running around barefoot in the grass blowing bubbles with her blonde curls blowing in the wind. In other words, I was planning a summer party for a three year old. Oops. I blame Pinterest.

Once I realized that I was in fact planning an indoor December party for my not-so-blonde one year old I needed to, um, revise some of my vision.

 She's only one and I'm not that ambitious so I wanted to keep it simple, yet festive and fun. We found this dala horse garland from Etsy and took it from there.

Dala horse garland

This is the best picture we have of the banner Katie made and the wall-to-wall balloons on the balcony

We made a collage in the shape of a 1 with her weekly pictures

A close-up of the collage

Chalkboard runner

Predictions/Wishes for Anna and Anna trivia

slippers

the table

 Maybe one day I'll have a summer party to throw. Until then there is always Pinterest. For now I'm just grateful for Dala horses. :)

One

We had a birthday party for Anna last week. One of those "who has a birthday party for their one year old with no other little kids/babies in attendance and makes all their adult friends watch their baby eat cake" parties. I think parties for one year olds are ridiculous. But I also think this one was necessary.

In our case we DID have family there. Adam's parents were in for the weekend to celebrate with us, which was very special (and helpful!). Otherwise the guest list was all friends - but they are more than that to us. They are the people who, alongside our blood relatives, have loved, cared and supported us this last year. These friends are our 'people'. The people who make this our home. These friends are our Seattle family.

So while I felt ridiculous, and a little embarrassed, having a  party for my one year old daughter, I did it because I wanted to celebrate her first year of life and I did it because I wanted to include those who are part of it. Anna was spoiled with a huge pile of presents, but the real gift was our apartment filled with people who love Anna and who love us. Even enough to come to a "birthday party for a one year old where you sit around with people you don't know and watch a baby eat cake and pretend you think it's cute" party. 

We are so blessed. Thank you, friends. We love you too.

All photos thanks to Neil Argyle.